The Virgin pulls a small scale Braveheart

#11 Never Have I Ever: Cursed out a government official

Foreplay: I've never been arrested before and I'm not about to. But that doesn't mean I don't get riled up about our government's actions and rant loudly to anyone within earshot during the times that I do.

I become so agitated that I'm practically vibrating with rage and every other word that spews from my lips is "goddamn" or "fuckin'". Sometimes wild hand gestures are involved that resemble hand-to-hand combat techniques. And on rare occasions I'll end my rant with a resounding rallying cry of, "Freedoooooooom!"

However, I'm only preaching to the choir.

The Down and Dirty: The sign on my block states that there's no parking from 8am-10am on Tuesday but I know for a fact that the street sweeper doesn't come until at least 9am. So last Tuesday I hopped out to my car at 8:10am for work only to discover a blasted $60 parking ticket neatly tucked under my windshield wiper. Judging by the still grimy asphalt and the quiet atmosphere, the street sweeper hadn't made its rounds yet and wasn't about to any time soon.

"Are you motherfucking serious?!" I balked in the middle of the street. I'd have thrown something if only the object in my hand wasn't my laptop bag. All day I stewed under my dark cloud at work, contemplating revenge against Parking Enforcer Salangron. That little weasel was probably waiting until the clock struck 8:00 to scatter parking tickets on cars like shitty confetti onto a parade. A parking enforcement lot is down the street from my office and I'd be lying if I said the sickly satisfying images of slashed tires and scraped paint didn't linger on my mind.

However, I am neither criminal or gutsy enough to pull off that sort of vandalism and convince myself that I can get away with it. But I am vindictive in a please-don't-arrest-me-but-I-hope-you-have-a-really-awful-day sort of way:


I contemplated writing something pointed like There are better ways to recover California's deficit or even something downright spiteful like I hope you feel the fiery sting of a thousand pubic lice but figured a picture (and some stabbing indents) says a thousand words.

The Aferglow: Alright, so I'm not exactly "cursing out" a government official rather than perturbing the office clerk that processes parking ticket payments. And this isn't that big of a deal compared to all the current political ongoings (even though it totally ruined my week). But this is probably be the closest I get to it without being charged with disorderly or threatening conduct or simply yelling, "You assholes!" as I drive by the lot.

Even though this is as passive-aggressive as it gets next to spitting into the envelope or sending it off with a few spider carcasses (not that any of those immature tactics crossed my mind or anything...), it's mildly comforting and somewhat amusing.

But that still doesn't mean I'm still not fuckin' pissed off about that goddamn parking ticket. Freedooooooooom!